Stress

Don't get excited. I'm not back. By my count it has been almost a month since I posted. It isn't that there isn't anything to talk about, it's just that I can't find the words for all I'm thinking and feeling. The short version is that I'm stressed. Something in the back of my mind is telling me that this is par for the course this time of year. The TAKS crunch is always a cause for stress. Think of it as an annual performance review, except your review is dependent upon 130 bags of teenage hormones who haven't heard a word you have to say all year because the cute girl in the front row wears a skirt.

At the same time, I am facing pressures that I haven't in years past. For the first time ever, 8th graders have to pass the Math and Reading TAKS to move on to the 9th grade. What does that have to do with my Social Studies test? Well, as soon as you tell a kid that they must pass these two tests, all that they hear is that they don't have to pass the Social Studies test. I have been told at least ten times a day, every day this year, that my test doesn't matter and that my students have no intention of "stressing out" about my test. At the same time, the higher-ups are refusing to help us with any type of incentive program to motivate our kids, so my options are just at an end.

This is also the first TAKS season where I have the responsibilities that I do at VRCC. Calling people every Saturday to remind them of their roles in Sunday worship, only to then have to chase people down in our new big two-story church building on Sunday, is psychologically and physically taxing. Our grand opening yesterday was also a stressor, as it required me to prepare twice as much for communion, meaning I missed class and let my classmates down. I also missed most of worship to clean communion trays and get them out of the way so we could have our potluck. Then the pews had to be stacked and tables set up, which I'm obviously not physically strong enough to do without consequences. Add to that my social anxiety issues and a bunch of new people and I was emotionally overloaded by the end of the day. Dr. Wages did a great job, but I wasn't in a place to get anything out of it, so I left yesterday without spiritual feeding (my fault; not VRCC's.)

I have a job interview that I am just honestly torn on. It would involve taking a pay cut, but I would probably make that up in gas savings. I would likely have better kids, but I really like the administration that I'm working for now. I would be with my best friend in the whole world, but I would be teaching something that I'm not entirely comfortable with and am certainly not passionate about. Every time I think about this choice, I feel like my head is literally going to explode (I know what the word literal means, by the way, and I mean exactly what I write here).

I'm just so done. I am not sleeping well. My stomach has been tied in a knot for more than a week. My chest has hurt for the last three days straight. I feel like a well that is just empty. I've got nothing left to give, no reserves to draw from. I've got no compassion left, no sympathy. My temper with my kids is shot and I am raising my voice at them more often than I am comfortable with. The qualities that I like about myself have completely disappeared, and I long for the man that I used to see in the mirror.

I do this more than I should, but I need your prayers and forgiveness. I haven't been myself in a while, and I've probably hurt more than a few of you in my self-centeredness. I'm sorry, and I love you.