Stress
Don't get excited. I'm not back. By my count it has been almost a month since I posted. It isn't that there isn't anything to talk about, it's just that I can't find the words for all I'm thinking and feeling. The short version is that I'm stressed. Something in the back of my mind is telling me that this is par for the course this time of year. The TAKS crunch is always a cause for stress. Think of it as an annual performance review, except your review is dependent upon 130 bags of teenage hormones who haven't heard a word you have to say all year because the cute girl in the front row wears a skirt.
At the same time, I am facing pressures that I haven't in years past. For the first time ever, 8th graders have to pass the Math and Reading TAKS to move on to the 9th grade. What does that have to do with my Social Studies test? Well, as soon as you tell a kid that they must pass these two tests, all that they hear is that they don't have to pass the Social Studies test. I have been told at least ten times a day, every day this year, that my test doesn't matter and that my students have no intention of "stressing out" about my test. At the same time, the higher-ups are refusing to help us with any type of incentive program to motivate our kids, so my options are just at an end.
This is also the first TAKS season where I have the responsibilities that I do at VRCC. Calling people every Saturday to remind them of their roles in Sunday worship, only to then have to chase people down in our new big two-story church building on Sunday, is psychologically and physically taxing. Our grand opening yesterday was also a stressor, as it required me to prepare twice as much for communion, meaning I missed class and let my classmates down. I also missed most of worship to clean communion trays and get them out of the way so we could have our potluck. Then the pews had to be stacked and tables set up, which I'm obviously not physically strong enough to do without consequences. Add to that my social anxiety issues and a bunch of new people and I was emotionally overloaded by the end of the day. Dr. Wages did a great job, but I wasn't in a place to get anything out of it, so I left yesterday without spiritual feeding (my fault; not VRCC's.)
I have a job interview that I am just honestly torn on. It would involve taking a pay cut, but I would probably make that up in gas savings. I would likely have better kids, but I really like the administration that I'm working for now. I would be with my best friend in the whole world, but I would be teaching something that I'm not entirely comfortable with and am certainly not passionate about. Every time I think about this choice, I feel like my head is literally going to explode (I know what the word literal means, by the way, and I mean exactly what I write here).
I'm just so done. I am not sleeping well. My stomach has been tied in a knot for more than a week. My chest has hurt for the last three days straight. I feel like a well that is just empty. I've got nothing left to give, no reserves to draw from. I've got no compassion left, no sympathy. My temper with my kids is shot and I am raising my voice at them more often than I am comfortable with. The qualities that I like about myself have completely disappeared, and I long for the man that I used to see in the mirror.
I do this more than I should, but I need your prayers and forgiveness. I haven't been myself in a while, and I've probably hurt more than a few of you in my self-centeredness. I'm sorry, and I love you.
At the same time, I am facing pressures that I haven't in years past. For the first time ever, 8th graders have to pass the Math and Reading TAKS to move on to the 9th grade. What does that have to do with my Social Studies test? Well, as soon as you tell a kid that they must pass these two tests, all that they hear is that they don't have to pass the Social Studies test. I have been told at least ten times a day, every day this year, that my test doesn't matter and that my students have no intention of "stressing out" about my test. At the same time, the higher-ups are refusing to help us with any type of incentive program to motivate our kids, so my options are just at an end.
This is also the first TAKS season where I have the responsibilities that I do at VRCC. Calling people every Saturday to remind them of their roles in Sunday worship, only to then have to chase people down in our new big two-story church building on Sunday, is psychologically and physically taxing. Our grand opening yesterday was also a stressor, as it required me to prepare twice as much for communion, meaning I missed class and let my classmates down. I also missed most of worship to clean communion trays and get them out of the way so we could have our potluck. Then the pews had to be stacked and tables set up, which I'm obviously not physically strong enough to do without consequences. Add to that my social anxiety issues and a bunch of new people and I was emotionally overloaded by the end of the day. Dr. Wages did a great job, but I wasn't in a place to get anything out of it, so I left yesterday without spiritual feeding (my fault; not VRCC's.)
I have a job interview that I am just honestly torn on. It would involve taking a pay cut, but I would probably make that up in gas savings. I would likely have better kids, but I really like the administration that I'm working for now. I would be with my best friend in the whole world, but I would be teaching something that I'm not entirely comfortable with and am certainly not passionate about. Every time I think about this choice, I feel like my head is literally going to explode (I know what the word literal means, by the way, and I mean exactly what I write here).
I'm just so done. I am not sleeping well. My stomach has been tied in a knot for more than a week. My chest has hurt for the last three days straight. I feel like a well that is just empty. I've got nothing left to give, no reserves to draw from. I've got no compassion left, no sympathy. My temper with my kids is shot and I am raising my voice at them more often than I am comfortable with. The qualities that I like about myself have completely disappeared, and I long for the man that I used to see in the mirror.
I do this more than I should, but I need your prayers and forgiveness. I haven't been myself in a while, and I've probably hurt more than a few of you in my self-centeredness. I'm sorry, and I love you.
posted by Phylemon at 8:28 AM
5 Comments:
http://pics.livejournal.com/jfboyd/pic/0018x9kp
/hugs
I hope you find some peace soon. Call if you want to vent or trade stress stories!
-jeff
I could tell that you and Jenn both were just done at the end of yesterday. I will keep you both in my prayers this week.
BTW - paycuts aren't all that bad. The Lord will provide...
-Rach
It is difficult to express empathy over the internet, but know that I am feeling and understanding your stress and fatigue. It's like there are several stressors that hit all at once. You've got a week of testing ahead, you play a vital role in VRCC's "opening" and it has worn you out, and there's a job potential that tugs at your mind. I pray for clarity in your decision-making and perception this week. And for rest, even if it's just for a few moments at a time. I look forward to our time this Friday...and to catch up when things settle down. - Alan
Like Alan, it's really tough for me to express everything I want to give to you here. It's easy for me to get off on a rant or a ramble when I'm typing, so I'll try to rein it in.
I'm utterly amazed by you teachers, in general. I usually only have to deal with middle school personalities, not with the actual age, so I really don't know how you guys do it. And, like every high-performer, I'm sure there's a lot of heartache and agony that goes into what you do that I'll never see in person.
I want you to know that these feelings are legitimate, healthy, and completely realistic. You don't need to feel like you should "suck it up" or "keep it inside" or any of those things (one of my major failings). There's health in admitting life is hard, and there's amazing healing in experiencing empathy or hearing advice. I haven't personally been through all your circumstances, but I HAVE felt my stomach utterly drop out and my will evaporate to the point where I have to remind myself to breathe. I KNOW that interviews can suck, job changes can suck, and life changes can suck. And I see what you do for VRCC - giving a share of heart I can't believe you have left.
I said I'd rein it in, so lemme break down into bulleted lists:
* Job changes can be good, simply because you're hired somewhere else. There's amazing power in coming in as The Hire, because you're automatically regarded as having something worth hiring.
* Compensation is NOT just your salary. Compensation includes commutes, benefits, vacation, opportunity for advancement, and much more. ALL of these factors need to play in to your decisions. NEVER get locked in on just one measurement with just one value.
* If God hasn't decided to call you Home, then He's also decided you Can Go On. Your very life is a testament to the faith God has in You, not just the other way around.
Let me know if you ever want to talk - you're an amazing friend and always worth my time.
-E
Hey amigo. I'm glad you're taking a chance to get it all out here. As always I am here for you and praying for you. I lost my temper with a kid today -- really really bad -- and at the point where I screamed, "I AM SO DONE WITH YOU!" I realized wow my stress level needs to go down like right now. Hopefully you'll feel the same relief I will by the end of the week once your TAKS tests are done too. Here's to "Iron Man" marking TAKS season being over!
As for the job: I appreciate how torn you are. Believe me, I can understand the fear of changing jobs... glad I stuck it out at North b/c it ended up being great but after that first year, I stuck it out solely for lack of desire to change jobs! This sort of reminds me of class on Sunday -- we talked about how we pray. In this case I am really praying that God's Will is done here. You have to do what's best for you first and foremost. I'm praying that the choice will end up being obvious in God's time. I know this doesn't make things easier, but people tracked me down today to say how much they liked you and enjoyed interviewing you. If anything just know that means you're a well received individual. :-) I'm not tyring to pressure you in either direction. I know I've already done all I can to sell you on North, and you obviously know what a great school it is from our past coversations, so I'm not going on about it anymore. Besides I know your pros and cons list is a mile long by now! Know that I will support you either way.
God bless. Best of luck with the rest of the week.
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